Pause 2: An approach to Anger, Guilt, Depression and Shame
In the book Non-Violent Communication Marshall Rosenberg, a PH. Psychologist, suggest that depression, anger, shame and guilt are actually our friends because they are a sign that one or more of our needs is not being noticed and/or taken care of.
For example: The other day my friend and I were spending some time together and what she was sharing with me brought up some pretty intense emotions for her and I responded to her the best I knew how but she still was feeling the same.
And at some point she said "You're angry with me, I hear it in your tone of voice --why are you angry with me?"
So I stopped a moment and said - "That's right I'm frustrated (which is on the anger continuum) and that means that I have a need that is not being met." So I thought about what unmet need I might have and how I was feeling about not having that need met. Then I told my friend, "I'm embarrassed that I can't help you feel better and that there is a part of me that wants to fix you and make the pain go away. And what I need and want is to be able to contribute to your life and I need you to help me understand what you need right now. "
She said: "You don't know? "
I said: "I have no idea."
So she was quiet and thought. Then she told me what she needed. And I was so relived and happy because I knew how to do that - and she was relieved and happy too.
Most people that practice using these non-violent communication tools know how challenging it is to retrain ourselves to think in terms of our needs and other's needs because we've been trained to mostly ignore all but our most essential needs. Fortunately, on pages 54 and 55 of Non-Violent Communication there is a list of needs. There are seven general categories all with three to ten sub-listings of needs. The seven general categories are: Autonomy, Celebration, Integrity, Interdependence, Play, Spiritual Communion, and Physical Nurturance. The Interdependence category has sixteen needs listed under it. I thought, good grief, how will I ever remember these sixteen needs that are about relating to myself and other people. So I wrote a song to help me and hopefully you remember these needs.
While you look at the score you can also listen to my extended family sing the song (after clicking ok or minimizing about 4 screens). We took about 15 minutes out of our recent Easter gathering to learn and record this. You'll hear our first try not our best. I choose it because of the laughter and love that's in the room as we attempt to sing the tune, say the words and play the instruments all at the same time. Hope you enjoy our laughter, our love and the song.
In the book Non-Violent Communication Marshall Rosenberg, a PH. Psychologist, suggest that depression, anger, shame and guilt are actually our friends because they are a sign that one or more of our needs is not being noticed and/or taken care of.
For example: The other day my friend and I were spending some time together and what she was sharing with me brought up some pretty intense emotions for her and I responded to her the best I knew how but she still was feeling the same.
And at some point she said "You're angry with me, I hear it in your tone of voice --why are you angry with me?"
So I stopped a moment and said - "That's right I'm frustrated (which is on the anger continuum) and that means that I have a need that is not being met." So I thought about what unmet need I might have and how I was feeling about not having that need met. Then I told my friend, "I'm embarrassed that I can't help you feel better and that there is a part of me that wants to fix you and make the pain go away. And what I need and want is to be able to contribute to your life and I need you to help me understand what you need right now. "
She said: "You don't know? "
I said: "I have no idea."
So she was quiet and thought. Then she told me what she needed. And I was so relived and happy because I knew how to do that - and she was relieved and happy too.
Most people that practice using these non-violent communication tools know how challenging it is to retrain ourselves to think in terms of our needs and other's needs because we've been trained to mostly ignore all but our most essential needs. Fortunately, on pages 54 and 55 of Non-Violent Communication there is a list of needs. There are seven general categories all with three to ten sub-listings of needs. The seven general categories are: Autonomy, Celebration, Integrity, Interdependence, Play, Spiritual Communion, and Physical Nurturance. The Interdependence category has sixteen needs listed under it. I thought, good grief, how will I ever remember these sixteen needs that are about relating to myself and other people. So I wrote a song to help me and hopefully you remember these needs.
While you look at the score you can also listen to my extended family sing the song (after clicking ok or minimizing about 4 screens). We took about 15 minutes out of our recent Easter gathering to learn and record this. You'll hear our first try not our best. I choose it because of the laughter and love that's in the room as we attempt to sing the tune, say the words and play the instruments all at the same time. Hope you enjoy our laughter, our love and the song.
